Evolution of the Self

Because narcissists don’t think or feel like we do, it’s really not possible to establish a mutual relationship with them. And because we can hardly help but expect them to respond in ways similar to our own, their dissimilar reactions can confuse and surprise us--at times, deeply upset us as well. . . . Read More

This post complements my earlier piece, “The 12 Virtues, and Vices, of Venting.” In that post I suggested it might not be very prudent to air out your frustrations directly to the person who caused them. Here I’ll elaborate on this notion while suggesting—if such ventilation is necessary and potentially beneficial—just how to most effectively confront your "provocateur." Read More

I’ve long contended that to have a conflict-free relationship, what’s necessary is to create a clone of yourself (though if you’re “straight,” one that’s gender-opposite). And then, of course, marry that clone. But, at least for the foreseeable future, such technology isn’t yet available... Read More

For clients, perhaps the single, most valuable function of therapy is the unprecedented freedom of expression it allows them. Assuming that the therapist is competent, clients have full license to share themselves without fear of criticism or negative judgment. In stark contrast, therapists themselves are governed by an enormous number of constraints. Read More

There’s a common belief that with the right mind set virtually all conflicts are resolvable. But in many instances, making such an assumption is simply unrealistic: a fiction, a fantasy. As a therapist, over the years I’ve encountered many situations in which a client was struggling mightily with ambivalence. And no simple resolution to their dilemma existed. Read More

This post will lay out the reasons that—both ethically and pragmatically—your viewpoint on revenge should be decidedly negative. I’ll back up my own unfavorable perspective on this all-too-frequent phenomenon by including a large variety of quotes that, to me, represent the wisest, most incisive thinking on the subject. Read More

As long as another’s praise doesn’t sound patently insincere, you’re likely to welcome it. Being richly recognized for what you do—or who you are—just feels good. It’s wonderfully confirming, as reassuring as it is validating. But praise has its dark side, too. . . . Read More

In an earlier post for PT I considered the legitimacy of using manipulative tactics if they were executed for another’s welfare. Just recently, I felt obliged to take note of an elaborate response to this piece. For of all the many comments I’d received on my more than 200 posts, I saw this one as perhaps the most originative--not to say, the most cunning and pragmatic. Read More

Though so-called “dual relationships” are typically frowned upon by the mental health community, most therapy clients require a close, trusted friend almost as much as they do a therapist. So how can such a professional—ethically and practically—function simultaneously in both roles? Read More

Pathological narcissists project onto others traits and behaviors they can’t, or won’t, accept in themselves. Because they’re compelled to conceal deficits or weaknesses in their self-image, they habitually redirect any unfavorable appraisal of themselves outwards—unconsciously trusting that doing so will forever keep at bay their deepest self-doubts. Read More

How can you tell whether what you’ve done is good enough? Or what would make it good enough for you? Doubtless, personal standards come into play here. But where do these standards originate? Did you unwittingly absorb your parents’ unrealistically high requirements of you as a child? Or are your “good enough” criteria aligned with your deepest beliefs and ideals? Read More

It’s really baffling how many of us act as though we believe that deprecating our partner will help us get what we want from them. Why? Because venting frustration by grumbling or growling will probably be experienced by them as a personal attack. And their almost knee-jerk reaction will either be to defend against—or counter-criticize—their perceived "assailant." Read More

Your psychological defenses are designed to reduce whatever emotional disturbances are beyond your present capacity to handle. Still, unless over time you gain conscious control of these knee-jerk, self-protective mechanisms, they’ll remain with you indefinitely. And way past the point that they serve any useful, shielding function. . . . Read More

Were there times when another person’s anger seemed unreasonable to you? Exaggerated? Clearly disproportionate to what the situation might warrant? For that matter, have there been times when the intensity, or duration, of your own anger took you by surprise? This post will explain why all anger—however seemingly illogical—can yet be grasped as rationally based. Read More