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Life Lessons From a Psychiatrist Who’s Been Listening to People’s Problems For Decades
How you approach life says a lot about who you are.
As I get deeper into my late 30s I have learned to focus more on experiences that bring meaning and fulfilment to my life.
I try to consistently pursue life goals that will make me and my closest relations happy; a trait that many individuals search for their entire lives.
Nothing gives a person inner wholeness and peace like a distinct understanding of where they are going, how they can get there, and a sense of control over their actions.
Seneca once said, “Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”
“No people can be truly happy if they do not feel that they are choosing the course of their own life,” states the World Happiness Report 2012. The report also found that having this freedom of choice is one of the six factors that explain why some people are
happier than others.
In his best-selling first book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know
Now, Dr Gordon Livingston, a psychiatrist who’s been listening to people’s problems for decades, revealed thirty bedrock truths about life, and how best to live it.
In his capacity as a psychiatrist, Dr Livingston listened to people talk about their lives and the many ways people induced unhappiness on themselves. In his book, he brings his insight and wisdom
to the subjects of happiness, fear and courage.
“Life’s two most important questions are “Why?” and “Why not?” The trick is knowing which one to ask.” Acquiring some understanding of why we do things is often a
prerequisite to change. This is especially true when talking about repetitive patterns of behavior that do not serve us well. This is what Socrates meant when he said, “The unexamined life is not
worth living.” That more of us do not take his advice is testimony to the hard work and potential embarrassment that self-examination implies.”
Most people operate on autopilot, doing the same things today that didn’t work yesterday. They rarely stop to measure the impact of their actions on themselves and others, and how those actions
affect their total well-being.
They are caught in a cycle.
And once you get caught in the loop, it can be difficult to break free and do something meaningful.
Past behaviour is the most reliable predictor of future behaviour.
If your daily actions and choices are making you unhappy, make a deliberate choice to change direction. No matter how bleak or desperate a situation may appear to look, you always have a
choice.
“People often come to me asking for medication. They are tired of their sad mood, fatigue, and loss of interest in things that previously gave them pleasure.
”…“Their days are routine: unsatisfying jobs, few friends, lots of boredom. They feel cut off from the pleasures enjoyed by others.
Here is what I tell them: The good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression; the bad news is that medication will not make you
happy. Happiness is not simply the absence of despair. It is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure.”
“In general we get, not what we deserve, but what we expect,” he says.
Most people know what is good for them, they know what will make them feel better. They don’t avoid meaningful life habits because of ignorance of their value, but because they are no longer
“motivated” to do them, Dr Livingston found. They are waiting until they feel better.
Frequently, it’s a long wait, he says.
Life is too short to wait for a great day to invest in better life experiences.
Most unhappiness is self-induced, Dr Livingston found.
“The three components of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.
Think about it.
If we have useful work, sustaining relationships, and the promise of pleasure, it is hard to be unhappy. I use the term “work” to encompass any activity, paid or unpaid, that gives us a feeling of
personal significance. If we have a compelling avocation that lends meaning to our lives, that is our work, ” says Dr Livingston.
Many experiences in life that bring happiness are in your control. The more choices you are able to exercise, and control, the happier you are likely to be.
“Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life,” says Mandy Hale.
Many people wait for something to happen or someone to help them live their best lives.
They expect others to make them happy.
They think they have lost the ability to improve their lives.
The thing that characterizes those who struggle emotionally is that they have lost, or believe they have lost, their ability to choose those behaviors that will make them happy, says Dr
Livingston.
You are responsible for your own life experiences, whether you are seeking a meaningful life or a happy life.
If you expect others to make you happy, you will always be disappointed.
You can consistently choose actions that could become everyday habits.
It takes time, but it’s an investment that will be worth your while.
“Virtually all the happiness-producing processes in our lives take time, usually a long time: Learning new things, changing old behaviors, building new relationships, raising children. This is why
patience and determination are among life’s primary virtues,”
Most people are stuck in life because of fear. Fear of everything outside their safe zones. Your mind has a way of rising to the occasion. Challenge it, and it will reward you.
Your determination to overcome fear and discouragement constitutes the only effective antidote to that feeling on unhappiness you don’t want.
Dr Livingston explains.
“The most secure prisons are those we construct for ourselves.”
“I frequently ask people who are risk-averse, “What is the biggest chance you have ever taken?” People begin to realize what “safe” lives they have chosen to lead.”
“Everything we are afraid to try, all our unfulfilled dreams, constitute a limitation on what we are and could become. Usually it is fear and its close cousin, anxiety, that keep us from doing
those things that would make us happy. So much of our lives consists of broken promises to ourselves. The things we long to do — educate ourselves, become successful in our work, fall in love — are
goals shared by all. Nor are the means to achieve these things obscure. And yet we often do not do what is necessary to become the people we want to be.”
As you increasingly install experiences of acceptance, gratitude, accomplishment, and feeling that there’s a fullness in your life rather than an emptiness or a scarcity, you will be able to deal
with the issues of life better.
Closing thoughts
Dr Livingston’s words feel true and profound.
The real secret to a happy life is selective attention, he says.
If you choose to focus your awareness and energy on things and people that bring you pleasure and satisfaction, you have a very good chance of being happy in a
world full of unhappiness, uncertainty, and fear.
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Feeling Stuck?
5 Strategies to Get Unstuck and Create Momentum Toward Your Passion
There’s nothing worse than that feeling of being stuck.
You aren’t happy with your life right now, but you feel paralyzed to do anything about it.
Either you have no idea what you want, or you have no idea how to go about getting what you want. Or both. So you wind up doing nothing, languishing in your job, your relationship, your life in
general.
When we feel stuck like this, we end up filling our time with distractions and make-work. We watch a lot of TV, surf the Internet, play video games, or go shopping to buy things we don’t need. We
might become overly-involved in some other person’s life and personal business because we don’t have anything exciting going on in our own.
Sometimes we do self-destructive things like drink too much, smoke too much, or sleep too much. During waking hours we spend too much time thinking about how frustrated and unhappy we are, further
entrenching our emotions in despair. Of course this spills over to our relationships and physical health.
Occasionally we have glimmers of inspiration and action. Maybe we do a little research on career opportunities. Maybe we read a book or blog that ignites a spark. But then that cloud of confusion and
uncertainty descends — “Am I on the right track? Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?”
Being stuck is a vicious cycle. The longer you are stuck, the more deeply you become entrenched in inertia. Your energy is sapped from the internal struggle of trying to “figure it
out.”
When we get stuck like this, the last thing we need to do is to stay in our heads trying to figure it out. Your brain has already created a habit of over-thinking, criticizing, and self-doubt. You
need something to break the cycle of thoughts and behaviors that keep you stuck, followed by another something that will kick-start momentum in a positive direction toward your passion.
I’ve found these strategies do the trick when trying to get unstuck and create the momentum you need to change your life circumstances:
1. Apply the rubber band trick
This little trick helps break the over-thinking and negativity that clouds your ability to act. Put a rubber band on your wrist. As soon as you find yourself fretting about your situation or thinking
negative thoughts, gently pop the rubber band or move it from one wrist to another.
This physical action momentarily interrupts the thought pattern and gives you time to re-direct yourself. And this is the important part. Once you apply the trick, you need to do something else
entirely that requires your mental or physical concentration.
Think in advance about what these actions might be. You could organize your desk, pay the bills, read a book to your child, phone friend (without discussing your negative thoughts), go for a walk.
Have a list of ideas prepared and keep it handy for these moments.
If you are stuck in your car or elsewhere and can’t do something, then re-direct your thoughts to something positive or mentally challenging. Make a mental list of everything you are grateful for.
Work on memorizing a poem. Sing one of your favorite songs. Do whatever you can do to interrupt the habit of over-thinking and negativity.
2. Ban yourself from bad behaviors
What negative, soul-numbing, unproductive behaviors are you engaging in as a way to desensitize yourself from the pain of being stuck? These behaviors are not only a waste of time, they also diminish
your self-esteem and rob you of the energy you need to do the positive work of finding your passion.
You’ve created a habit around turning to these behaviors to soothe yourself. You need to create new habits that are positive, purposeful, and confidence-boosting. Make a list of activities you can do
instead of watching TV, surfing the net, or shopping (or whatever your behavior might be).
These could include . . .
-
taking a walk
-
clearing clutter and organizing a room
-
exercising
-
experimenting with a craft or hobby
-
volunteering
-
journaling
3. Reconnect to joy
Often when we are stuck, we forget that we were ever happy or felt joyful about anything in life. We lose sight of what once brought us joy and gave us that sense of being alive and engaged in
something fun and exciting.
So add this to your list of activities to replace your
bad behaviors. Buy yourself a journal, and mentally go back in time. Think about your earliest childhood memories and the times you were blissfully engaged in play or a project. What were you doing?
How did it feel? Tease out the elements of the activity that made you joyful.
Do this exercise with all stages of your life — your teenage years, young adulthood, during your career, etc. Make a list of everything that gave you that sense of being “in the flow” and fully
alive. This can include relationships, travel, projects, hobbies, anything that put you in that state of aliveness.
As you reflect on these activities, sit with each of them mentally for a few minutes so you can actually re-experience some of the feelings you had at the time. Just the act of re-living joyful
memories will boost your mood in the current moment.
This exercise has the benefit of both boosting your mood and reminding you of possible passionate endeavors you might consider for the future.
4. Stimulate creativity
When you feel stuck, your creative juices shut down. Your negative behaviors and thoughts block the flow of inspired and imaginative thinking. But you can open the creativity valve again by engaging
in creative activities.
I would strongly recommend keeping a daily journal in which you write your thoughts and ideas, no matter how seemingly mundane or insignificant. Keep the journal by your bed to write down late-night
insights or dreams you remember upon awakening. Keep a small notebook in your purse or pocket or use your smart phone to jot down ideas or insights you have throughout the day.
In addition, try these creative pursuits . . .
-
listen to beautiful classical music
-
draw or paint for fun, even if you have no skill at it
-
write a short story or poem
-
create a vision board
-
plant a garden or flowers
-
prepare a healthy meal from scratch
If you want more ideas to enhance creativity, read the book The Artist’s
Way
by Julia Cameron.
5. Honestly assess your current life
Once you begin the process of becoming “unstuck” and creating momentum (by working on the actions above), take an honest look at your current life. Do this during a time when you feel good mentally
and emotionally. You want to assess your current life from a balanced and realistic perspective.
Analyze your . . .
-
career
-
relationships
-
lifestyle
-
finances
-
personal development
-
skills
-
spiritual life
Write a page header in your journal for each of these life areas. Then think about everything that is working well for you in each area. You may be surprised how many good things are going on for you
right now, in your current life. Feeling stuck paints your entire life with a broad brushstroke of negativity. But the reality may be different.
After you list what is working for you, go back and list what isn’t working. Where do you feel frustration, boredom, anxiety, sadness, or emptiness? Write down these things as well for each life
area. From your list, pick one issue that is causing you the most difficulty. If there are more than one, just pick one at random.
Brainstorm three small actions you can take in the next week to address this issue. These actions can be anything from making a phone call to meeting with a coach or counselor. They just need to be
some action to move you forward with positive action. Continue with this exercise each week, assigning yourself weekly actions. This will give you a sense of productivity and control over your life
and circumstances.
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Part Of The Process of Feeling Stuck
by Mark I Myhre
When we feel stuck in our lives it’s important to take stock of what is going on and find out if
there is something we are doing or not doing that is keeping us stuck. Sometimes the situation is out of our control, and we need to look within to find the patience required to wait with equanimity
until things move forward again.
Many times, though, we can find the source of our stagnation in our own hearts and minds.
Sometimes we are clinging to old ideas about reality and we need to make adjustments that will bring us back in tune with life, so we can flow again. Sometimes we find that fear of change is what’s
keeping us stuck, and we can resolve to find ways of facing that fear.
If introspection does not provide the answers we need, it can sometimes be helpful to ask those
around you if they notice anything obvious that you might not be able to see. Remember to ask someone whom you can trust to be kind and sensitive as well as honest. Try to let go of your resistance
because whenever there is something we can’t see ourselves, it’s because we don’t want to see it.
Try to listen with an open mind, and remember that you are always the final judge of what you
need. Anything offered to us from an outside source will need to be processed within before its wisdom can take hold.
In all this, be kind to yourself and remember that we all get stuck sometimes. Think of it as a
part of your process, a necessary step on your journey, rather than as a problem that shouldn’t be happening. This can help to keep your frustration at bay and give you the space you need to take a
deep breath and really figure out what’s going on.
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from: Christine Gray
Goal setting. Is there a big difference between scampering and running? Sure, they're both actions designed to make person move fast, but the difference lies in
goal setting. When a person scampers, it is without purpose. A person who is scampering moves to no purpose. It is an action performed instinctively. However, a person who runs does it to achieve a
goal. Which one do you prefer to do?
Goal setting is the key to achieving success in life. If you set goals, you will be able to know which steps to take. Setting goals does not mean you make a list
on what to do or what not to do. That would merely be the semblance of goal setting. True goal setting involves commitment.
No matter how much effort you make, if you do not have direction, you will be wasting your energy. How can one have direction without a goal? Goal setting is
important because it is the first step towards a journey. People may think that we started out without having any real goals, but let us examine life for a moment: When a sperm is first released, it
has a goal, does it not? It swims towards the egg. This goal gives it direction.
As we mature in life, our goals get bigger and more ambitious. However, we still set goals. Goal setting is an inherent part of life. It answers the question of
purpose. It tells us why we have to live, if only until the next day.
As mentioned before, goal actually gives us direction. For without goals, where would we direct our efforts to? Goal setting is the key and essentially gives us
the first step in our individual journeys.
Think of it: When you set a goal, you try to follow the most direct route towards it. So you take the first few steps towards achieving that goal. In setting a
goal, you will always have the first step. However, in life, we encounter little detours. Sometimes, in order to reach our set goal, we must first accomplish another one.
Goal setting is the key to achieving success in life. If you set goals, you will be able to know which steps to take. Setting goals does not mean you make a list
on what to do or what not to do. That would merely be the semblance of goal setting. True goal setting involves commitment.
In true goals setting you need to be able to put your heart into it and commit yourself to achieving that goal. From the moment you set a goal, every effort you
make will be directed towards the achievement of that goal.
Goal setting is important in life because it allows you to measure yourself. Nobody knows why measuring one's self is so important. Perhaps it has something to
do with self-improvement. Sometimes it has something to do with the realization that you are doing something in life. However, goal setting will allow you to measure yourself by how close you are to
achieving a goal. Through proper goal setting, you will be able to see just how far you've come and how far you will still be able to go.
Another importance of goal setting is that it allows you to know your purpose in life. Goal setting will prevent you from questioning your existence. Sure, some
people find wisdom in questioning the meaning of life, but people who do not find answers to this question often end up in despair.
If there is one thing that people seek in life more than food, clothing, or shelter, it would be order.
Goal setting gives you order.
Christine P. Gray is a recognized authority on the subject of goal setting. Her website www.selfimprovementsguide.com provides a wealth of informative articles and resources on everything you will
need to know about self improvement. All rights reserved. Articles may be
reprinted as long as the content and links remains intact and unchanged.
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How To Control Any Conversation Simple - Strategies You Can Use Today
"Peter Murphy" <pwm@peterwmurphy.com>
Strategies For Taking Control Of Any Conversation
When it comes to taking control in a conversation there are many effective strategies you can use to gain the upper hand even if in the past you found yourself at the mercy of others in
more powerful positions. This post will put you back in control by showing you how to access your own power to communicate with impact while still maintaining rapport.
Control ultimately begins in the mind. How you look at a situation can either empower you or detract from your sense of control over unfolding events. For many people conversations are
random events where the other party sets the agenda and directs the flow of conversation. This does not need to be the case.
You can learn how to direct any conversation and how to take charge, stand up for yourself and make your voice heard. This goes far beyond assertiveness. This is about expressing your true
personality and taking control when you choose to. And best of all you can do so in a way that makes people responsive to what you are saying.
Info Gathering Principles:
Always look for and align with commonalities
It is very important when talking to someone to listen carefully for clues that reveal what you both have in common. This information is essential for building deeper rapport. Later in the
conversation you will use shared opinions and outlooks to bridge to topics or points you want to make.
How do you discover commonality? By listening carefully to what the other person says and even more importantly to how he stresses and emphasises points that matter to him. Look for shifts
in voice tone that indicate enthusiasm, heightened interest or concern.
You can then ask questions at these key points to get a deeper understanding of how he feels about that topic, and, why it matters so much. The “why” is very revealing so make sure to
explore further to discover key beliefs that dictate his world view.
Engage in active listening
In this the information gathering phase of taking control it is essential that you demonstrate exceptional listening skills. Listen to what is said, how it is said and watch the associated
body language.
By being such a good listener you encourage the other person to open up and talk freely – this allows the conversation to flow and ensures open honest communication. If you fail to do this
you have little chance of taking control of the conversation later because you will have neglected to identify the specific manner in which the other person likes to communicate. Further, by not
getting deep rapport early on it becomes very difficult to achieve it later.
Observe talking style
Now, we turn our attention to how the other person speaks rather than to what he is saying. We need to know if he is a fast, moderate or slow talker. Does he speak up when he wants to
emphasize a key point? Does he pause and use silence to build anticipation before making a point? We need to know. Why? Because later on we will speak in his style to “speak his language” to take
control. If we do not it is unlikely he will even hear what we have to say let alone respond to it.
Other points to look out for:
- physical movements while talking
- facial expressions when speaking
- breathing rate and variations
- eye movement, intensity and degree of focus
Use of language
Some people like to use complex language to impress others. They will use technical jargon, insider terms and uncommon words to say what could be said with everyday language. When you
encounter this pay special attention so you can use some of the same words to match their speaking style.
Make mental notes to use those words that you fully understand and ask for clarification for any words that you do not understand. It is important to match the language usage and sometimes
to mismatch it to take back control of the dialogue.
However you need to pay special attention and recall key words and phrases later if you are going to use this tactic. Then, you will have a simple way to get the other person`s attention
before taking over the direction of the discussion.
Identify sense of importance
One great pattern to spot is one I call displayed self-importance. When you meet someone for the first time listen and look for evidence of pride or even arrogance. This can come across in
a watered down form as a kind of benevolent authoritative all knowingness. This is worth spotting and its even better if you can narrow down the range of knowledge or experience that this pride
applies to. Let´s say the guy is proud of his business success, ask what is his most proud of and why. When you know that you have valuable information that you will reflect back later to win his
attention and agreement.
On the other hand, there are many people who display humility even to the degree of feeling awkward about their accomplishments. These individuals may be wonderful people, tremendously
interesting and very skilled in their profession but you`ll never know it unless you get to know them better.
These are humble people who value results and success but have no need to shout about it. How can you spot these people? They often are very precise when it comes to their area of
expertise but quietly confident without saying much about what they have done. They have a quiet solid sense of self-acceptance that makes it fun to talk to them.
How can you identify what he is most proud of? It takes a little more digging around but you can still figure it out. Once you have a good rapport, ask directly what is he most proud of
and why. You may get a superficial answer at first so be prepared to ask again, more gently, until he really answers.
We want to know what others are proud of and just as importantly – why. This information gathering will be very helpful later when we want to speak their language and take
control!
I hope you will now practice the points we’ve just covered, if you do, you’ll discover how easy it is to create deep rapport with people as well as how to regain control in
conversation.
If you enjoyed this post, you can find my more advanced strategies for conversation control along with conversation blueprints in my book How To Control Any Conversation at Amazon.com.
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