What is LOVE?

Understanding how and why it happens.  Look for RED FLAGS.

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5 Psychological Theories of Love

“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars.”  — Violeta Parra

 

It’s a dull, subdued sensation when your heart is breaking, like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot.

It doesn’t physically pierce your skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present – the paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is leaving for good.

Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a good sign of having a broken heart.

It means you have loved something, tried for something, and let life teach you.

Life will attempt to break you down sometimes; nothing and no one can completely protect you from this reality.

Remaining alone and hiding from the world won’t either, for endless, stagnant solitude will also break you with unhealthy nostalgia and yearning.

You have to stand back up and put yourself out there again.

Your heart is more vital than you realize.

I’ve been there and seen heartbreak through to the other side.

It takes time and patience.

Deep heartbreak is kind of like being lost in the woods – every direction leads to nowhere at first. When you are standing in a forest of darkness, you cannot see any light that could ever lead you home. But if you wait for the sun to rise again, and listen when someone assures you that they have stood in that same dark place and have since moved forward with their life, this will often bring the hope that’s needed.

It’s so hard to advise when you’ve got a broken heart, but some words can heal, and this is my attempt to give you hope. You are stronger than you know!

Please remember…

1. The genuine, loving emotion that breaks your heart is oftentimes the same emotion that will heal it gradually over time.
2. The person you liked or loved in the past, who treated you like dirt repeatedly, has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in the present moment but more headaches and heartache.
3. You can mull it over and obsess and obsess about how things turned out – what you did wrong or should have done differently – but there’s no point. It will NOT change anything right now!
4. Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to hold on to what’s not meant to stay.
5. Seven letters. Two words. One is saying. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in horrific pain or free your heart and soul and lift an incredible weight off your shoulders. The saying is: It’s over!
6. When you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s necessary preparation, and other times it’s necessary protection. But the time is never wasted. It’s a step on your journey. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
7. Someday you’ll look back on this time in your life as such an important time of grieving and growing. You will see that you were in mourning and your heart was breaking, but your life was changing.
8. Transitions in life are the perfect opportunity to let go of one situation to embrace something even better coming your way.
9. One of the hardest lessons is that you cannot change other people. Every interaction, rejection, and heartbreaking lesson is only an opportunity to change yourself.
10. Be determined to be positive. Understand that the greater part of your misery or unhappiness from this point forward is determined not by your circumstances but by your attitude.
11. Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or believing that you’re broken.
12. It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company. And when you do decide to give someone a chance, do so because you’re truly better off with this person. Don’t do it just for the sake of not being alone.
13. When someone rejects you, it doesn’t mean you must also reject yourself or think of yourself as less worthy. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever want you anymore. Remember that there are billions of people in the world, and only ONE person has rejected you. And it only hurts so bad right now because, to you, that one person’s opinion represents the whole world's opinion. But that’s not the truth.
14. Sometimes it takes a broken heart to shake you awake and help you see that you are worth so much more than you were settling for. (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
15. When you lose someone or something, don’t think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so you can better travel the path meant for you.
16. Anything that hurts you today only makes you stronger in the end.
17. Grief is the price you pay for love when all is said and done. And it’s better to have loved, lost, and learned than to have never loved at all.
18. A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along.

Afterthoughts

You are human, and the human heart breaks sometimes.

Don’t fight it – fight through it!

Give yourself a chance to love again, to feel again, and to live again.

You are alive and here to risk your heart by putting it into something you believe in as often as possible.

If you avoid taking this chance, one thing is sure: you will make it safely to the end, feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Don’t do that to yourself.

You deserve better.

Your turn…

In what ways have you struggled with heartbreak?

How have you coped?

These insites will make you a better exciting person. You are awesome.

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There’s a lot to disagree about these days: politics, shutdowns, masks, travel restrictions, vaccines—you name it.

And then there are the more mundane disagreements in everyday life, the little things, like setting the thermostat.

Someone wants to turn it down.

You want it up.

Someone says, “It’s too hot in here.”

You say, “It’s not hot.

It’s cold.”

Before you know it, you’re in a silly argument.

None of us need more aggravation, especially right now.

To express yourself respectfully and diffuse arguments before they start, it’s important to understand the difference between facts, opinions, and toxic opinions.

A fact is a thing that is known or proven to be true:

• The Earth is round.
• Google is a search engine.
• Water is a simple molecule of positively charged hydrogen atoms and one large negatively charged oxygen atom.

An opinion is a view or judgment that depends on your assessment:

• I like pizza.
• I feel happy when I take a walk.
• I prefer to wear dark colors.

A toxic opinion is an opinion disguised as a fact:

• That project will never work.
• There’s a worldwide shortage of jobs right now.
• There’s no hope for a better life today.

Here’s why toxic opinions are problematic:

When someone says, “It’s too hot in here,” it’s easy to get defensive because the statement excludes any possibility that your experience might differ.

It doesn’t consider that you might be cold.

“Too hot” is a relative term.

It’s not a universally accepted fact.

It might be cute when a child says, “Brussels sprouts are gross.”

But it’s not cute when adults speak with toxic opinions.

Expressing an opinion disguised as a fact makes it toxic because it diminishes anyone else’s perspective.

This is how many arguments start: one person imposes their opinion on someone else.

The typical reaction is to push back aggressively, turning your own opinion toxic in response: “It’s not hot in here. I’m freezing!”

Toxic opinions invite defensiveness and open the door for arguments.

 

When I teach this concept to my clients, I ask them to argue with me.

I say, “The room is hot.”

They say, “No, it’s not.

The room is fine.

What’s wrong with you, anyway?”

Then I say, “Argue with me now: ‘I feel hot.’” I get blank looks.

People try to argue, but it’s impossible to argue with “I feel hot.”+ You can disagree by saying “I feel cold,” but that’s not arguing.

That’s just stating how you feel.

By saying, “I feel hot,” I’m not suggesting everyone else should feel that way.

I’m merely describing how I feel and what I’m experiencing.

“I” statements demonstrate personal ownership, accountability, and taking responsibility. Using an “I” statement can defuse an argument before it happens.

Research has shown that “I” statements can reduce defensiveness and aggression.

Toxic opinions invite defensiveness and open the door for arguments.

Arrogance and believing one version of reality—yours—is the only possible view that underlies toxic opinions and could be the single largest creator of arguments.

There are two types of toxic opinions: impersonal and personal.

Impersonal:

• “Conservatives don’t care about the poor.”
• “Technology is ruining our lives.”
• “Wealthy people are selfish.”

Personal:

• “You’re lazy and leave all the housework up to me.”
• “You don’t listen to me.”
• “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.”

You can rephrase a toxic opinion by saying “I think…,” followed by supporting facts or by stating what you experience and how you feel.

When grounded by the facts as you see them and the knowledge that others may see it differently, an opinion or your point of view is a powerful, direct, and respectful way to communicate.

It’s empowering to say, “Look, this is my opinion on the subject.

You may disagree, but I want you to know what I think.”

For example, “I feel hot.

The thermostat says it’s 75 degrees in here,” expresses your experience, and states a fact. “I think technology is ruining lives.

I read a Harvard study citing that small children's cellphone use reduces cognitive brain function.” “When we agree to sit down to watch TV together, and you get on your iPad, I feel disrespected and unappreciated.”

The purpose of an opinion is not to prove someone wrong or convince them of your point of view.

The goal is to speak truthfully and accurately about your beliefs without discounting others’ experiences.

Without opinions, we would have no creative dialogue or problem-solving. We would be empty shells with little or nothing to say.

Instead of creating defensiveness, an opinion invites dialogue because you take responsibility for your point of view by saying, “I think, I believe, I propose, I suggest.”

When you speak this way, it encourages others to do the same. Whether they follow your lead is up to them.

You’ve done your part.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and we all have the right to express our point of view.

We may agree with each other or not.

But no one is entitled to impose their opinion on anyone else—whether about politics or the thermostat.

My wife and I have had numerous conversations about the thermostat in our house.

She often feels hotter than I do, and we’ve had our moments.

Now I wear an extra layer on cold days.

She dresses more lightly.

When she says, “It’s too hot in here,” I smile and say, “Oh, so you’re feeling warm?

Let’s turn it down for a bit.”

She looks at me and laughs, and says, “Right, I am feeling warm.”

I smile because we both teach this stuff for a living, but we don’t always get it right.

After all, we’re just humans living, learning, and trying to be the best versions of ourselves.

Today, I hope you will have another inspiring day,

that you will dream boldly and dangerously,

that you will make some progress that didn’t exist before you took action,

you will love and be loved in return and find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change.

And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world),

that you will,

when you must,

be wise with your decisions,

and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.