The Ego and Happiness.  Vanity.


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‘The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own.

You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president.

You realise that you control your own destiny.’

                                                             -Albert Ellis







The Ego Always Finds a Way to be Unhappy


The force of ego is what fuels all the negativities in the brain, so it’s the root cause of all resistance and suffering. The ego wants to feel whole (happy) all the time but its very foundation is based in lack and hence it cannot ever feel happy for long. In fact, the way ego defines happiness itself is a based in a sense of lack where it associates happiness purely with acquiring something/someone.


Ego is based in lack


The ego structure of the brain is created through “addition” of identities, life-story, memories, achievements, possessions and beliefs. Since the ego is always trying to add to itself, it never feels complete – it never feels stable, it’s always changing, sometimes it feels diminished, sometimes it feels exalted, sometimes it feels important, sometimes it feels worthless, sometimes it feels like a winner, sometimes it feels like a loser.


Life helps deconstruct the ego


Your life is your greatest teacher, if you allow it to teach you. If you are a good student you will learn easily what life is teaching you, but if you are a hard-headed student you will keep repeating your mistakes without any growth or learning. 


Glad To Be Alive The Path To Adulthood – Healing The Pain Becoming The Adult Overcoming Loneliness – Part Two How To Overcome Loneliness How We End Up In Misery How To Deal With Loneliness Emotional Abuse Test Emotional Health – What Millions Still Don’t Know Emotional Insecurity Help You Have Emotion You Have Beliefs You Have Choice You Are Enough You Are Loved You Have A Heart


The degree to which you open up to and embrace the life energy that you use as raw material for your thoughts and feelings.


Removing the gunk that clogs up and inhibits the flow of life energy moving through you.


A fusion of thought and feeling that expands your consciousness.






Are You Serious About Developing Yourself?

Then understanding your EGO WILL Help You Become The Person you want to Be!

<<< Click ME

You NEED an ego to survive in this world.


It’s a part of you – and always will be.  You would die without your ego.  But if your ego is weak (and thus negative) then you will be in misery.

If your ego is strong and positive – then you will most likely be happy and filled with love and all the other good things life has to offer. Or at least you’re headed in that direction.

Now, a strong ego is NOT an ego that tells you how wonderful you are.  That’s a WEAK ego!

A strong ego does its job.  Period.  A strong ego delivers information to you.  It delivers just the facts.  A weak ego only delivers some of the facts, and it taints that incomplete information with all kind of commentaries.

If you wonder whether or not you have a problem with ego, you can just look at your life.


The weak ego will immediately tell you this is all nonsense, or perhaps it will say everyone is miserable, or perhaps it will say you can never be fixed.  Whatever.  It will do everything it can to distract you from EVALUATING your life.  Or evaluating anything, for that matter. That’s one of the tricks of a weak and negative ego.

Your goal (assuming you want to live a rich and fulfilling life) is to learn all you can about your ego.  And at first, it might be confusing.  As that question above illustrates.

And that’s a good sign you’re on the right track!  The person who’s never confused is a person lost in ego.

Not that you want to STAY confused…!

The more you work with your ego, the easier it is to discern its voice from yours.

If you jump into a pond, all the silt on the bottom will be stirred up, and will cloud the water.  And that’s okay.  It’s normal.


An Analogy to Calm You When Your Ego Gets Triggered

It’s about a bar fight.

What do most of us mere mortals do when our egos get stirred up?


We jump in and get involved in it.

What do I mean by this?

Let’s take a simple example.

Your spouse/significant other struts into the kitchen as your eating breakfast, looks at the sink, then says,

“I see somebody didn’t do the dishes last night. What a surprise…”


In .01 seconds that feeling of rage appears in your lower self. It’s your ego blaring the war horn, calling for the cavalry to charge the enemy.

This is the ego getting triggered and us jumping in and getting involved.


You are not your ego

As I’ve written many times, the key is realizing that the ego is not you.

It’s something that the mind has constructed, starting in childhood, to help defend ourselves from the big bad world.

If you haven’t noticed, this ego thing is strong.

Incredibly strong.

And it craves situations like the kitchen scene above.

It’s like a thirty-pound hunk of steak dangled in front of a ravenous tiger.


Because it’s so fundamental to spiritual growth,

I think it’s important to reinforce this ‘the ego is not us so don’t get involved’ concept.

As such, I created an analogy that I hope will seep into your psyche.


The bar fight analogy

Imagine you’re at a bar having a drink with a friend.

You’re in the middle of a pleasant conversation when a fight breaks out among three loud, drunk jerks.

They’re throwing punches, falling over chairs…it’s a pathetic scene.


So what do you do?

You back away and get the hell out of harm’s way.

If there were an innocent person involved, fine, maybe you intercede to try and help.

But this is three drunk idiots that you have nothing to do with.


Believe it or not, there is no qualitative difference between the bar fight and the kitchen scene.

At the bar, something went on that had nothing to do with you so you stepped away and didn’t get involved.

In the kitchen, somebody said something that elicited a feeling in you that also has nothing to do with you.

And in that scenario we should do precisely the same thing that we did in the bar: Step away and don’t get involved.

It has nothing to do with you.

Just as those three hooligans had nothing to do with you.


The takeaway

So how can this actually be of benefit? The next time you get triggered, try to:

1. Notice that you’ve been triggered — this one is critical and takes a hefty amount of wherewithal;

2. Notice the feeling it has elicited, usually in your lower self (belly);

3. Conjure that bar scene in your head. See a bunch of drunken reprobates swinging at each other while you lean away and just watch.


The hope is that by doing so you won’t get involved in the egoic imbroglio that is urging you to dive in.


Most important, by simply watching this egoic response and not engaging with it, you will be performing the deepest act of yoga: letting go of yourself.

You’re just freeing that egoic energy, that you’ve stored in your lower self, to rise up.

The result will be a lighter, freer, calmer, more compassionate you.




The 8 Natural Qualities of Exceptionally Cool People


Cool isn’t just what you say, it’s what you do.


Austin Powers.

For some reason, the prolific 1960s spy who was unfrozen and thrust into an array of new assignments in a confusing ’90s world, is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of someone exceptionally cool — “Yeah, baby?”


Okay, so the main selling point of the film series was clearly imbued with the joyous sexism reminiscent of early Bond flicks, but no one can deny that the always-up-for a-good-time, lusting for life and love Austin Powers, was exceptionally cool in his own right.


Love him or hate him, Austin Powers is remarkably unique.


Have you ever observed someone and thought: “Whoa! That dude is so cool.

I want to be like that.”

It is never because of what there are wearing, what they do for a living or what they own.

It is because there is something about them that makes them stand out from the crowd.

Something you admire.

That’s how all exceptionally cool people are.

Their way of being in the world — how they think, what they choose to do, and how they talk and move — is all part of their wildly different identity that draws others toward them.


If you’re anything like me, you may wonder how they got to be so damn cool.

Is there a secret to being less-than-ordinary?

Were these people just born with a magnetic personality?


Thankfully, we don’t have to be a shagadelic imitation of Austin Powers to be cool.

That is because there is no one secret formula that separates what we call exceptionally cool people from the rest of us — it boils down to what and who they are, along with certain qualities that come naturally to them.


And it is something we can all easily learn and effectively reproduce in our own lives.


1. Cool is Friendliness

Sometimes it can feel as if the world is full of rude, ill-mannered and inconsiderate people.

That is very uncool.


The thing about the people we consider to be cool is that we appreciate them for their caring nature and willingness to treat others in the way they would like to be treated.

They will give you their undivided attention and you can sense their genuine interest in you.

These kinds of people know that a friendly attitude makes a positive impact not only at an interpersonal level, but to the world as a whole.


Kindness creates a ripple-effect.


I don’t need to tell you that kind-hearted and friendly people attract more of the same into their lives, and that makes us want to spend more time getting to know them.


Applying the Friendliness Quality

Being kind and friendly makes you feel good about yourself — happier.

Make an active choice to qualify any negative feelings with something that feels better.

All of us can take the initial move towards potential friendly behavior with others.

We can all make a difference.


2. Cool is Confidence

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” — Nelson Mandala


To be clear, when I speak of confidence, I’m not talking about blind arrogance here — that’s another category altogether.

However, I am touching on the type of self-confidence and self-belief that is needed to have faith in your skills and creativity — the kind that helps you keep striving to realize your life goals and dreams.

Pretty cool.


Yes, cool people have their low days and self-doubts like everyone else, but they also have the ability to overcome the fear of the unknown, set their personal-bar high and follow through with the courage to start new things.


They are the type who continue to test their limits and skills, while forming new ideas in their quest to manifest their greatest desires.

Even when those around them are still pondering how to get started.

We naturally admire these people.


Applying the Confidence Quality

Try not to confuse confidence with ego. Rarely does one equal the other. Believing in yourself is what allows you to rise up and reach your potential. Realize that self-belief has a cause-and-effect motion, exactly as Nelson Mandala said in the above-mentioned quote.

That is positive power imbued in exceptionally cool confidence.


3. Cool is Philosophy

Every exceptionally cool thought leader is a forward-thinking rebel by nature.

These individuals don’t much care about authority and are fast to question the ideal moral framework with regards to traditionalism, “right human conduct” and conformity.


Austin Powers provides a groovy example of a revolutionary mindset:

“If we had known the consequences of our sexual liberation, we would’ve done things much differently, but the spirit would remain the same. It’s freedom baby.”


Those with a sense of inner-freedom are the type who naturally live their life knowing the truth of John Allen Paulos’s popular observation about life:

“The only certainty in life is uncertainty”


Very cool people are open-minded with a focus on what matters most to them — their quality, freedom and vision for life, regardless of what others think of them.


Applying the Philosophy-Quality

I’m not suggesting that you need to break the law, wave your protesting-pitchforks at the next “extremists” rally or host psychedelic orgies to be cool.


But do try to make the time for introspection — stretch your awareness to encompass self; go deep and ask the important questions — about yourself, the world and your life purpose.

Analyze stale societal conventions that may be holding you back.

You see, opening your mind to new ideas is what creates positive change, improved thought-patterns and ways of being. Philosophy in a nutshell.


4. Cool is Inspiration

Just by being who you are.

A quality many cool people demonstrate is the innate love to evoke inspiration as much as they are motivated by the inspirational qualities in others.

They give and take in mutual balance as they willingly share what they know minus the airs and graces.


That is, without being condescending or expecting something in return.


I also think that cool people strive to bring out the best in you by showing trust in your potential and lending you words of encouragement.

It just feels uplifting to be around someone like that; as if you don’t need to worry about being judged, scorned or undervalued, even when you mess up.


But the best thing about cool people is that they walk-the-talk — fully backing up their words with actions, showing you what you mean to them.

Real life cool people know the power in showing up for others.

We can all do that.


Applying the Inspiration Quality

Don’t do things for people and always expect the favor returned.

Try not to say things you don’t mean or make promises you cannot keep.

Short and sweet — keep it real.

That’s inspirational.


5. Cool is Desirable

We all want to feel seen, known, and cherished by others.



It’s the feeling that drives us towards attaining love, intimacy and connection in our lives.

Attraction is the energy emanating from within that draws people closer to us.

It creates desire, intrigue, and deeper connections in relationships.


What is often misunderstood about desire and attraction is the fact that it has very little to do with your outwardly appearance and everything to do with how you feel about yourself.


Attraction happens from the inside out.


One of the coolest guys I know dated my girlfriend for a number of years.

He wasn’t overly attractive but he was smart with a voracious, magnetic personality, and he was funny as hell.

Humor is very cool. You know this.

Anyway, just being around my friend’s fella somehow switched my energy meter to high, and that made him a desirable person to hang out with.

Cool people are less likely to spend time trying to create an appearance that fits a particular aesthetic and more time cultivating an inner connection to who they are.


Applying the Desirable Quality

First, you must realize and internalize that desirability is not about what you wear but how you wear it, and it’s definitely not about what you do but how you do it.


Feeling like an attractive human being is about cultivating an inner-connection to who you are and standing strong within yourself as that person.


Appreciate and love who you are.


Self-love and self-care are key factors because when you feel good about yourself, others will find those same qualities highly appealing.

And it’s desirable.



6. Cool is Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, express and control your emotions, and it is a very cool quality in a person.

Whether expressing honest feelings or dealing with a blow-up of some sort, it takes a certain level of intellectual capacity and self-awareness to remain “together” during the hard times.


Think about the people you consider to be cool.

I bet you seldom see them acting out with anger, or slicing and dicing someone with harsh words when things don’t go their way.

Cool people keep their cool.


They understand the significance of staying under control when circumstances force them to burn out.

They also realize their irrational response will achieve nothing other than to worsen the situation.

They work at dealing with problems by focusing on solutions, rather than losing their cool.

And they make sure you know that you are important to them, regardless of the circumstances.


Applying Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is mindfulness-in-action — it’s the ability to empathize, communicate effectively and defuse conflict.

Be conscious of your inner-world and immediate responses by practicing mindfulness through meditation, yoga, breathing exercises; and paying attention to the moment, your body and your feelings.


7. Cool is the Language of Love

What sets exceptionally cool people apart from everyone else is that they see the good in others and don’t withhold expressing their love to the people they care about.

It touches our hearts so deeply to feel the truth and honesty of love.


Somehow, cool people are able to effortlessly touch you in the most meaningful and unexpected ways with their deepest truths, acts of humility and humble hearts.

They are the type of people who show you beauty where you previously saw none, as well as restoring your faith where you most need it.


That’s what cool people do — they remind us to believe that we too are worthy of great love, beauty and kindness.


Applying the Language of Love

Truly exposing yourself to the language of love can be scary because you must allow yourself to become vulnerable.

I totally get that.

However difficult it may seem, you have got to remember that love is worth every bit of putting yourself out there, as that’s what creates deeper connection and intimacy in your life experiences.


Exposing ourselves to great love and vulnerability takes courage — take a deep breath and dip your toes in a little at a time.

Trust your intuition.

Celebrate your ability to sense and experience love deeply in this lifetime.

That’s what makes you beautifully human.


8. Cool is Being Your Authentic Self

It may very well be impossible to always operate from your authentic self, but it is entirely possible to become aware of and connect with your authenticity.

It is making the choice to merge with that immaculate, hidden part of yourself once again; learning who you really are and how to be true to that person.


Cool people know the value in authenticity and keep up the inner-work to be able to identify when their behavior or actions don’t align with their authentic nature.

They realize that to experience a meaningful life is to fully embrace who they are, holding their inner-sanctuary in a place of love and forgiveness, along with the important people in their lives.


Exceptionally cool people empower others with their presence.

They have a knack for making you feel cool, too, just by being around them.


Applying the Authentic Quality

To find your authentic self, you’ve got to dig beneath the layers of borrowed thought processes and learned behavior, social conditioning and expectations; as well as needless education and unnecessary moral policing.


Qualify every aspect of your life by honoring who you are. Accept, connect and strengthen how you choose to love yourself and others.

Being authentic takes real practice and effort, though it’s an important aspect of your humanity worth striving for.


Friendliness, confidence, philosophy, inspirational, desirable, emotional intelligence, love and authenticity, are all shared qualities that come naturally to exceptionally cool people.

But they won’t tell you that they are essentially good people. They won’t need to — their actions will speak loud and clear.

Now, that’s exceptionally cool.

Yeah, baby!


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18 Things I Learned About Happiness from Winnie-the-Pooh

#1: The more forcing, the more trouble


I’ve been reading a lot of Winnie-the-Pooh with my daughters lately.

So I must have been primed to take notice when I saw someone tweet about a book called The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff.


Here’s how the author describes his intention for the book:

To write a book that explained the principles of Taoism through Winnie-the-Pooh, and explained Winnie-the-Pooh through principles of Taoism.


In addition to introducing me to some of the core tenets of Taoism, this book really made me think about how much of my own approach to mental health and well-being as a therapist aligns with Taoism specifically — even more so than Buddhism which has had a much stronger explicit influence on psychology and mental health over the past few decades.


In the rest of this article, I’ll share some of my favorite quotes from the book, along with some brief reflections of my own about what we can all learn about happiness from Taoism and Winnie-the-Pooh.


On Trying Too Hard

The more man interfered with the natural balance produced and governed by the
universal laws, the further away the harmony retreated into the distance. 
The more forcing, the more trouble.

The ability to do hard things can easily turn into a liability

  • Working hard in a career you hate
  • Working hard in an unhealthy relationship
  • Working hard to convince someone with no interest in listening

Just because it’s difficult doesn’t make it right.


On Serenity

Happy serenity is the most noticeable characteristic of the Taoist personality.

How many people in your life would you describe as serene?

If you can think of a few, what do you suppose is responsible for their serenity?

If you can’t think of anyone, why do you suppose that is?


On Efficiency

The efficiency of Wu Wei is like that of water flowing over and around the rocks
 in its path — not the mechanical, straight-line approach that usually ends up
 short-circuiting natural laws, but one that evolves from an inner sensitivity
 to the natural rhythm of things,said Pooh.

 Happiness comes from working with things as they are rather
 than what we wish them to be.

On Simplicity

Things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that
is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed, said Pooh.

Seems like good advice for parenting.

The longer I’m a parent, the less interested I am in who I think my kids should be and the more excited I am about discovering who they will become.


Winnie The Pooh With Honey Pot , Free Transparent Clipart - ClipartKey

On Discovering Your Place

Everything has its own place and function. That applies to people, although 
many don’t seem to realize it, stuck as they re in the wrong job, the wrong 
marriage, or the wrong house. When you know and respect your own inner nature, 
you know where you belong. You also know where you don’t belong. One man’s food is 
often another man’s poison, and what is glamorous and exciting to some can be a 
dangerous trap too others,said Pooh.

If you’re too focused on who you want to be, it’s hard to see who you are. And if you don’t know who you are, how can you know who you want to be?


On Wishful Thinking

The way of self-reliance starts with recognizing who we are, what we’ve got to work
with, and what works best for us,said Pooh.

Life is like poker… Sometimes you get to trade for a couple of new cards (draw poker), and sometimes you don’t (hold ‘em).

In either case, the focus should be on playing well the cards you’re dealt, not fantasizing about rummaging through the deck and picking your perfect hand.


There’s a lot of opportunity cost in wishful thinking.


On Goodness-of-Fit

There’s nothing wrong with not being able to whistle, especially if you’re a fish. 
But there can be lots of things wrong with blindly trying to do what you aren’t 
designed for. Fish don’t live in trees, and birds don’t spend much time underwater 
if they can help it. Unfortunately, some people — who always seem to think they’re
smarter than fish and birds, somehow — aren’t so wise,said Pooh.
This eminds me of my favorite quote about mental health:

Before you rush to diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you’re not just surrounded by assholes.


On Self-Awareness

Inner nature, when relied on, cannot be fooled. But many people do not look at
it or listen to it, and consequently do not understand themselves very much. But
having little understanding of themselves, they have little respect for themselves,
and are therefore easily influenced by other,said Pooh.

Self-awareness is always the first step. Always.

If you don’t know who you are and what you want, how can you know which road to take?


Winnie The Pooh Page 7 - Pooh Bear And Friends | Winnie the pooh pictures, Winnie the pooh, Winnie the pooh cartoon

On Nothingness

To use the mind as it’s all too commonly used, on the kinds of things it’s
 usually used on, is about as inefficient and inappropriate as using a magic 
sword to open a can of beans. The power of a clear mind is beyond description. 
But it can be attained by anyone who can appreciate and utilize the value 
of nothing,said Pooh.

So much suffering comes from messy minds — worried, ruminative, judgmental, and frantic minds.

This is the real lesson of mindfulness and most forms of meditation: It’s okay to let your mind do nothing and just be.


It’s okay to observe without thinking, to notice without judging, to enjoy without analyzing.


On Negative Emotions

Instead of struggling to erase what are referred to as negative emotions, we could
learn to use them in positive ways… while pounding on piano keys may produce noise, 
removing them doesn’t exactly further the creation of music. The principles of music 
and living aren’t all that different,said Pooh.

Would you really want to live your life exclusively in the major key?

What would rock n roll be without Eleanor Rigby, All Along the Watchtower, Paint it Black, and Stairway to Heaven?


On Busyness

“Ouch!” Said Pooh, landing on the floor.“That’s what happens when you go to 
sleep on the edge of the writing table,” I said. “You fall off.”“Just as well,” 
said Pooh.“Why’s that?” I asked.“I was having an awful dream,” he said.“Oh?”“Yes. 
I’d found a jar of honey…,” he said, rubbing his eyes.“What’s awful about that?” 
I asked.“It kept moving,” said Pooh. “They’re not supposed to do that. 
They’re supposed to sit still.”“Yes, I know.”“But whenever I reached for it, this 
jar of honey would sort of go someplace else.”“A nightmare,” I said.“Lots of people
 have dreams like that,” I added reassuringly.“Oh,” said Pooh. “About unreachable 
jars of honey?”“About the same sort of thing,” I said. “That’s not unusual. 
The odd thing, though, is that some people live like that.”“Why?” Asked Pooh.“
I don’t know,” I said. “I suppose because it gives them something to do.
”“It doesn’t sound like much fun to me,” said Pooh.

Chronic busyness — and all the stress and anxiety that goes with it — is often a symptom of being afraid to be alone with yourself. Just you and your own mind hanging out quietly without distractions.

If that idea terrifies you, it’s probably worth reflecting on.


Winnie the pooh bear by Saber006 on DeviantArt


On Overthinking

The surest way to become tense, awkward, and confused is to develop a mind that
 tries too hard — one that thinks too much. The animals in the forest don’t think
 too much; they just are. But with an overwhelming number of people, to misquote
 an old western philosopher, it’s the case of “I think, therefore I am confused.”

Thinking is a tool. And like any tool, it can be used well or poorly.

When it’s used poorly, it’s usually because we forget that we’re using it in the first place.


On Conflict

The Wu Wei approach to conflict-solving can be seen in the practice of the Taoist
 martial art T’ao Chi Ch’uan, the basic idea of which is to wear the opponent out
 either by sending his energy back at him or by deflecting it away, in order to
 weaken his power, balance, and position-for-defense. Never is force opposed with
 force; instead, it is overcome with yielding, said Pooh.

Optimize for flexibility over strength.


On Contentment

“Say, Pooh, why aren’t you busy?” I asked.“Because it’s a nice day,” said Pooh.
“Yes, but…”“Why ruin it?” He said.“But you could be doing something important,” 
I said.“I am,” said Pooh.“Oh? Doing what?”“Listening,” he said.“Listening 
to what?”“To the birds. And that squirrel over there.”“What are they saying?” 
I asked.“That it’s a nice day,” said Pooh.“But you know that already,” 
I said.“Yes, but it’s always good to hear that somebody else things so, too,” 
he replied.

I’m frequently disappointed when I read new books.

I’m never disappointed when I re-read my favorite books.

I’m frequently disappointed when I get to know new people.

I’m never disappointed when I talk with good friends.

Growth is good. But so is contentment.


On-Time Management

It’s really great fun to go someplace where there are no timesaving devices because, 
when you do, you find that you have lots of time. Elsewhere, you’re too busy working
to pay for machines to save you time so you don’t have to work so hard. The main 
problem with this great obsession for Saving Time is very simple: you can’t save 
time. You can only spend it. But you can spend it wisely or foolishly. The Bisy
Backson has practically no time at all, because he’s too busy wasting it by trying
to save it. And by trying to save every bit of it, he ends up wasting the whole 
thing, says Pooh.

An obsession with time management is usually a sign of unclear values.


On Mental Minimalism

Pooh adds, an empty sort of mind is valuable for finding pearls and tails and things because
it can see what’s in front of it. An overstuffed mind is unable to. While the clear
mind listens to a bird singing, the stuffed-full-of-knowledge-and-cleverness mind
wonders what kind of bird is singing. The more stuffed up it is, the less it can hear
through its own ears and see through its own eyes. Knowledge and cleverness tend to
concern themselves with the wrong sorts of things, and a mind confused by knowledge,
cleverness, and abstract ideas tends to go chasing off after things that don’t matter,
or that don’t even exist, instead of seeing, appreciating, and making use of what is
right in front of it.

Your mind is the ultimate junk drawer.

Imagine how you’d feel if you cleaned it out?


On Margin

Like silence after noise, or cool, clear water on a hot, stuffy day, emptiness cleans
out the messy mind and charges up the batteries of spiritual energy.

Every good designer knows the value of whitespace.

What would your life look like if you had more white space… more emptiness?


On Loneliness

Because many people are afraid of emptiness, however, because it reminds them of
loneliness. Everything has to be filled in, it seems — appointment books, hillsides,
vacant lots — but when all the spaces are filled, the loneliness really begins. Then
the groups are joined, the classes are signed up for, the gift-to-yourself items
are bought. When the loneliness starts creeping in the door, the television set is
turned on to make it go away. But it doesn’t go away. So some of us do instead, 
and after discarding the emptiness of the big congested mess, we discover the 
fullness of nothing, adds Pooh.

The antidote to loneliness is friendship. With other people eventually.

But first with yourself.

What would it take to build a better relationship with yourself — with your own thoughts, feelings, desires, expectations, values, and beliefs?


That’s a big question, but it seems obvious enough that in order to build a good relationship with anyone you need time.

Time to simply be together and get to know each other.

How often do you make time to get to know yourself?


Psychologist and blogger. I help people use psychology for meaningful personal growth:



What's wrong with being vain?

6 Answers
Adi Redzic
Adi Redzic, Life Coach, Motivational Speaker, Entreprenuer

Does it make you happy and alive?

Then, nothing.

The problem with vanity is that it limits your experience of life. While self-consumed (looks, money, things, other people) ought to make you the center of it all, it often leaves you empty and alone. It disconnects you from deeper things in life, including deep relationships.

Furthermore, paradoxically, people aren’t vain out of self-love, but a need for love and approval from others.

When you pursue things outside of yourself, things that others value, you (often subconsciously) take on other people’s values instead of following your own.

For example, if you like to drive a comfortable car, you can afford it, and it makes you happy, then by all means get a BMW. But if you are doing it only so you can show off to your neighbor or client, then you’re not doing it for yourself but for them.

People mistake vanity for self-love. A good way of drawing the distinction is: taking care of yourself, living the life you want, and enjoying your human experience isn’t vanity; it’s self love. However, whenever you do things so that others can see, approve, be jealous of, or even attack you for it—in other words, whenever you’re doing something so to intentionally get a particular response of others, that’s vanity.

Vanity isn’t only about luxury; it can be found in people doing service, too: oh, I did this and that for you, I sacrificed, you should be grateful.

This kind of approach not only makes your belongings, experiences, and relationships shallow and meaningless (it’s never enough!) but it is devoid of a deep experience of life.

Ultimately, it leaves you feeling unhappy.

Do you thing, take care of your mind, body, and soul, live a great life, have deep and meaningful relationships, and follow your bliss. If people call you vain, you won’t care!

6.2k views · View 16 Upvoters
Daniel O'Gorman
Daniel O'Gorman, studied Making Money on YouTube at Christian Brothers College

everyone has vanity if you don't love yourself you can't truly love someone else so as long as loving yourself for the true sense of the meaning dose not interfere with your own self destruction what I mean by that is as long as you do it for you staying true without it influencing you negatively it's what a real man is for the reasons you do love yourself is that you know becoming a real man is tougher than anyway anyone can live for your intentions are always good you don't rely upon anyone you know the difference between right and wrong moral and immoral and you intentionally stay true to yourself you are tough for tough is doing the right thing by you and the people around you for its not easy to be a real man and there are few real men out there and that is who I am. the best toughest truest person I can be.

Shubham Kuchhal
Shubham Kuchhal, studied at Netaji Subhas Institute of Technology
Answered Apr 4, 2015 · Author has 54 answers and 38.6k answer views
I am not sure , which definition of vain are you talking about ( as mentioned by you).
But sure, one meaning leads to another . If you are too much into immersed into say your looks , your thoughts ,your money , your problems that situation  would create a  lack of perspective and you will be of no use to the people around you.
Coming to the actual answer to  the question you mentioned ,
There's really nothing wrong with being vain really . I think you are in the wrong group. If you use Quora more frequently than Facebook , then your Facebook friends might consider you as a vain person . you should find like minded individuals if you anyway find yourself  useless or misfit.
Also IGNORANCE  is also one of the major reasons of being a "vain " person.
Also two things happen when you are a "vain " person ,
1. You are judged/befriended  by other "vain" person in the same group.
2. You are forgotten and no one really acknowledges your existence actually
due to which you  may   may develop low self esteem .

Although it's important to be self loving(upto a extent) and staying secure , but you should not be absolutely vain and should not be ignorant also for that matter.

How do you know if you are vain?

1 Answer
Bruce Charles Meyer
Bruce Charles Meyer, Ph.D. from Syracuse University (1995)
Answered Aug 25, 2015 · Author has 263 answers and 74.6k answer views
The easiest way is to find humble people (you can recognize them!) and ask them if you are vain.

Another good but indirect way is to look over one's financial records and see how much money you've spent on looking good, or seeming good, or fixing up one's reputation, or on oneself in general; and then compare that to what you've spent on helping others or building up others without receiving anything in return.  This won't prove anything but it might give some insight.

Related Questions


13 POWERful Trust Behaviors

Written By Matt Morris


Trust Behaviors You Must Exhibit to Build Strong Relationship Trust


This is a step in following the “How to Build Self-Trust”.  Obviously, I take the concept of trust very seriously and you should too!  Without it, you will fail in your business endeavors and your relationships.  Sound a little dramatic??  Well, do you spend time or money with people you don’t trust? 


I didn’t think so!


You may be the smartest and most skilled person in your industry, but if I don’t trust you, none of that matters.  So once you’ve mastered self-trust (LINK TO BLOG), you can move on to relationship trust, as discussed in Stephen M.R. Covey’s book, “The Speed of Trust“.  Just like self-trust, you can build relationship trust through certain behaviors I’m gonna go over here.  These are based loosely on the ones Covey covers in his book!


Don’t freak out as you look ever these . . .they’re not meant to be easy.  They’re meant to be effective!  Real trust takes some time to develop and nurture which is another reason to get started now!





“You can’t talk yourself out of a problem you’ve behaved yourself into.”

                                                                        Stephen R. Covey


“No, but you can behave yourself out of a problem you’ve behaved yourself into . . . and often faster than you think!” –

                                                                         Stephen M. R. Covey





Evening Sky, Beautiful Wallpaper



13 Trust Behaviors Designed to Change Your Life



1. Talk Straight


Tell the truth and leave the right impression. Simply let people know where you stand by using simple language and integrity.  Never manipulate people or distort the facts to fit your needs.  Leaving false impressions on purpose is the same as lying.  Isn’t it so refreshing when someone just shoots straight with you?  You feel respected and confident you have the information you need to make a decision.


2. Demonstrate Respect


The best way to do this by being genuine.  Don’t “fake” care for someone.  People will see straight through that.  There’s nothing worse than watching someone you trust be super kind to someone, then turn around and bad mouth them to you as soon as they walk off.  Second, treat EVERYONE with respect, especially those who can’t do anything for you!  Last, and an important one for busy leaders, don’t try to be “efficient” with people.  You’ve been there, right?  It’s where you’re talking to someone, and they’re checking their watch or looking past you to find the real person they wanted to talk to!  Don’t be that guy!


3. Create Transparency


“What you see is what you get!” is a great way to lead and build relationship trust!  Share all of the information you can in an authentic and genuine way where people can verify the facts you just shared.  Don’t intentionally hide information from people.  Once they find out, not good!  And you feel bad.  So err on the side of full disclosure!  They’ll respect you for it!


4. Right Wrongs


Admit your mistakes.  Do everything you can to make it right and apologize quickly.  Basically, don’t let pride get in the way of doing the right thing.  It all comes down to personal accountability and humility!


“To know what is right and not to do it is the worst kind of cowardice.” 

                                                                                            - Confucius


5. Show Loyalty


Give credit where credit is due!  One way I practice this trust behavior is acting as if the person I’m talking about is present.  That way, I know I won’t say something I wouldn’t want them to hear and everything they would! 

:) Respect people’s privacy by not sharing something they confided in you.  Stand up for those who aren’t present to stand up for themselves.


6. Deliver Results


This trust behavior is pretty easy to get since it’s so straightforward . . .establish a track record of results.  Just get the right things done and make it happen!  Strive to undercommit and overdeliver! No excuses.


7. Get Better


I love this one!  The fact that you’re reading this blog tells me that you’re a learner looking to improve.  Constant personal development is a must!  For ideas on development, check out the top leadership books list and the top self help books list I created.  Also, be open and receptive to the feedback people are giving you.


8. Confront Reality


This one can be difficult, especially if your reality sucks! ;) You know what I mean . . .ignoring the bad stuff does not make it go away. Take issues head on and address the tough stuff directly and efficiently!  Acknowledge the elephant in the room when others won’t.  That is a very respected trust behavior!


9. Clarify Expectations


Make sure everyone is on the same page regarding what’s expected of each person in every relationship.  If you have a business partner and the expenses are totally out of whack, it should be clear who’s responsible for that.  That clarity comes from removing assumptions, stating things clearly and renegotiating, as needed.  This is so important to build relationship trust and to avoid simple misunderstandings that can become huge problems.


10. Practice Accountability


When things go well, give credit to others.  When things don’t, take accountability.  This is a credo I live by as a leader.  Obviously, this shouldn’t be taken literally but I hope you get the point.  Too often responsibility is shirked and the blame game starts.  Keep it positive.  Hold yourself accountable and be a model for others to follow.  This trust behavior feels good when you practice it…. and it has a trickle down effect that’s phenomenal!


11. Listen First


Seek first to understand then to be understood.  HUGELY important habit.  People love to feel not only heard but understood.  Listen with your ears, eyes and heart and get the full picture.  Do this, and the speed o trust will be Mach3!  :)   Not only that, your ability to lead will be improved because you’ll know what’s going on versus assuming you have all the answers.  Hell, you may not even know the questions, much less the answers.  Everyone wins here when you practice this trust behavior!


12. Keep Commitments


Simply put, say what you’re going to do, then go do it!  Commitments should not be made lightly if you plan to keep them.  If you’re unsure, don’t voice the commitment .  . . remember, “undercommit and overdeliver”.  If you do find yourself in a broken commitment situation, own it.  Take accountability and move on. Do better next time.


13. Extend Trust


I love the way Covey says this in his book, “The Speed of Trust”, so I’m going to quote it directly here.  “Extend trust abundantly to those who have earned your trust.  Extend trust conditionally to those who are earning your trust . . . have a propensity to trust.  Don’t withhold trust because there is risk involved.”  Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mr. Covey!


Whew!  Told you they were powerful!  I understand you may be doing great with some of these trust behaviors.  However, I do hope you’ve identified some that could require some focused attention.  Once you have those determined, you can put an action plan in place.  I recommend referring to “The Speed of Trust” to assist you with that one.  He has an entire chapter dedicated on identifying areas of work and how to create an action plan accordingly!  Awesome stuff!


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Today, I hope you will have another inspired day, that you will dream boldly and dangerously, that you will make some progress that didn’t exist before you took action, that you will love and be loved in return, and that you will find the strength to accept and grow from the troubles you can’t change. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and wisdom in this crazy world), that you will, when you must, be wise with your decisions, and that you will always be extra kind to yourself and others.